Light After Darkness
by kingsmeadroad
Summary: TV Prompt oneshot- H/P- Hotch finds himself in the midst of a crisis and makes a choice.


**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Criminal Minds related. Characters are merely borrowed and will be put back later. ;)**

**A/N: This just something **_**dollsnatch**_** mentioned to me- the idea for this oneshot comes entirely from her; thank you for letting me use it. :)**

**Title: Light After Darkness**

**Prompt: Next Stop, Valhalla**

*******

_"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, and not our Darkness, which most frightens us."_

_Marianne Williamson_

***

It had been a while since he'd been to a church. Often he had noted the test of faith Morgan underwent and overcame- yet he himself was lost in a mass of disbelief and doubt. Faith had always been an odd subject for Aaron Hotchner. His parents had been Catholics, and he had been raised a Catholic- but it never fitted with his sad story and problems. He preferred to ignore it; pretend it wasn't there.

There was a day- before he and Emily started their relationship- that she had asked for leeway to find her best friend's killer. He allowed her that leeway, but difficult questions arose. At the end, Morgan had asked him what he thought of badness; did evil really exist?

He remembered his response to this day, _"Deep down I think we're all capable of unspeakable things. What it is or where it starts, I don't know."_

He struggled even now to define it- what would he say the next time Morgan asked, or if Jack asked some day in the future. He turned to Emily and sighed heavily. It was the one thing that had bothered Jason Gideon above all others; people using religion to justify their dirty deeds. This case was finished now and they would go home again. But four children dead in a churchyard killed by a local priest was a challenge to anyone's faith.

It was hard for Aaron to manifest his belief into something worthwhile, something intricate and complex- something meaningful. He had long ago questioned the relevance of religion; it didn't stop murder and pain, it didn't stop suffering and grief, it stopped nothing and excused too many things- and those were only the beginning of his doubts.

Rossi stood nearby and came to speak with him. "You okay?" he asked the other man, knowing the crisis that was brewing in Hotch's head.

"I'm fine," Hotch said, "I'm just not sure where to put this or how to analyse into something that makes sense."

"You know Aaron, I've always been a believer. Even in this job, my roots kept me thinking that I'm here to stop guys like these from doing things like this. That's why I was put here. You'll never fully solve a crisis of faith; not at the BAU," Dave said quietly.

"I think I know that," Hotch said calmly, "But it doesn't make it any easier. Is this some kind of test?"

"No. It's a reassurance that you're doing your job. The doubt, well, the doubt is something you have to live with. It's coming through it that gives you faith and makes you more able to do this job. When you're a believer, you believe that what you're doing is right. And you strive to do more of it."

Hotch glanced at Dave and simply nodded. These were big questions and big doubts- but he did believe that he was doing right by the world. And he did strive to do it every day. He gave his life to it. But when would faith truly come?

It wasn't a question he would answer easily or quickly; it would take time. But even as he looked around the church and saw the sun refracting through the coloured glass, he knew that this was a place of peace. People would, and could, corrupt it all they wished, but at its core, there was a foundation of purity, clarify and beauty that could not be undone.

Emily walked towards him and took his hand. The windows helped the sun and light ricocheted through the old building, turning her skin different shades and illuminating the diligence and attention to detail that made a church a church. Every piece of art, every solemn vow and covenant made in this place meant something to someone; she respected and appreciated that. Her own relationship with God may have been tarnished when she was 15, but she had always believed that everything happens for a reason and that nobody could judge a life but He that made it. She wasn't about to question that, it allowed her to make mistakes and deal with them when she needed to.

"What's the matter?" she said softly, trying not to disturb the definitive pose of restful calm that existed in the church. He shook his head and said nothing for a while, and then he turned away, took her hand in his own and walked toward the back of the church, meeting Reid at the door. Reid stood next to a plaque lettered in Latin. The words were faded now, but curiosity got the better of him and Hotch asked what it said.

"It says Post Tenebras Lux," Reid started, but he didn't finish.

"It means 'Light After Darkness'," Emily said, and smiled.

Hotch pulled her hand upwards and looked at the ring again; it seemed as though she had put it on for the first time minutes ago, but in fact it had been months. They would be married in four weeks and his indecision had prevented them from planning.

"Emily... I want to get married in a church," he said, and prepared to explain his reasons to her- but he didn't have to.

"A church like this one," she said quietly, "where even the deepest darkness is overcome by light."

"Exactly," he said, surveying the room, "because that's what defines us. It's not about a lack of faith; it's about the belief that we have already and how much we need to hang onto it."

She smiled tenderly and nodded her head in agreement. They watched for a long time as the glass made sparkles across the pews. They watched and watched as hope seemed to push through, a symbol of something bigger than them, something that even the hounds of hell could not defeat.

Light.


End file.
